A collection of 100 Bad Dad Jokes that will either make you laugh or cringe. Embarrassingly bad jokes for you to enjoy.

    1. Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
    2. What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
    3. “‘I’ll call you later.”
      “Don’t call me later, call me Dad.”
    4. Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads “Small medium at large.”
    5. “My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
    6. “Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
    7. “Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
    8. “Waitress: ‘And here’s the check. Is there anything else I can get you?’
      Dad: ‘Someone to pay the check?’
    9. “I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
    10. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
    11. “How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
    12. I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
    13. Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
    14. “What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
    15. Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
    16. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
    17. “What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.”
    18. “What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.”
    19. Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
    20. What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto
    21. “What do you call a man with no nose and no body? Nobody nose.”
    22. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
    23. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh.
    24. “On all of my medical forms growing up my dad wrote ‘red’ for my blood type. To this day no one knows my actual blood type.”
    25. “What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.”
    26. My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
    27. I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
    28. Without geometry life is pointless.
    29. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
    30. What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1
    31. I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge.
    32. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
    33. I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
    34. “Anytime I do something smart my dad says, ‘Wow, you’re a fart smella…I mean smart fella!’”
    35. What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
    36. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
    37. A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.
    38. I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.
    39. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
    40. Q: What did daddy spider say to baby spider? A: You spend too much time on the web.
    41. How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
    42. What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.
    43. Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.
    44. Bicycles can’t stand on their own, they’re two tired.
    45. Just watched a documentary about beavers… It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen.
    46. Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery
    47. “How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.”
    48. A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”
    49. “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”
    50. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
    51. “Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 
Because he was a little horse!”
    52. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
    53. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
    54. Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.
    55. “We were getting fast food when the lady at the window said, ‘Any condiments?’ My dad responded, ‘Compliments? You look very nice today!’”
    56. They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now.
    57. What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
    58. A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
    59. Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree and the guy behind the counter said to my Dad,” Are you going to put it up yourself?” Dad replied, “Don’t be disgusting, I’m going to put it in the living room. “
    60. I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
    61. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
    62. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
    63. What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? A: catch up!
    64. Q: What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe? A: 400 Million Dollars.
    65. Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where’s popcorn?
    66. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
    67. What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
    68. So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”
    69. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
    70. Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
    71. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
    72. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bay-gulls!
    73. “Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.”
    74. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
    75. What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
    76. How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.
    77. Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
    78. What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles
    79. What do you call Jay-Z when he’s sleeping? Jay Zzzzzzzzzz.
    80. A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”
    81. : Commissar! Commissar! The troops are revolting! Commissar: Well, you’re pretty repulsive yourself.
    82. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
    83. I knew i shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now i’m feeling a little… Eel
    84. What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up
    85. What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
    86. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
    87. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.
    88. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
    89. Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
    90. What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.
    91. Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
    92. “What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”
    93. “Hold on, I have something in my shoe”  “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”
    94. Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!
    95. Dad I’m hungry … “Hi hungry” I’m dad
    96. When phone ringing Dad says ‘If it’s for me don’t answer it.
    97. “I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, ‘You.’”
    98. Where’s the bin? Dad: I haven’t been anywhere!
    99. When Dad drops a pea off of his plate ‘oh dear I’ve pee’d on the table!
    100. How do you know when you are going to drown in milk? When its past your eyes!

 

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